I have been really depressed lately….thinking a lot about where I am now…who I am now…and I realized that I have been living in China for 21 months. We hit the 21 month mark.
The last time we lived here, we moved home at this time. It was a hard adjustment…having been away for almost 2 years. I remember wondering WHERE I fit in…no longer quite right in the U.S., but not living abroad anymore, either…it changed me. In a good way, but nevertheless, it was a difficult road back to “normal”. Not many people really understood what it was like living on the other side of the Earth. No concept of donkey carts in the streets, people relieving themselves in public and driving an hour into town for fresh chicken. People would say, “Oh, yeah…How did that China thing go?” And then move on to another topic, not really interested in the difficulties of living in a 3rd world country.
Then, 2013 comes and we are offered another opportunity to relive those 2 years in Beijing. We jumped at the chance. OK, not really jumped but accepted that the next part of our lives would be again, in China. But with a difference- we decided to return home to the U.S. every six months. This past trip home marked the 4th time…and it was different. To me, it seemed like novelty of having us visit had worn off…people have gone on with their lives- as they should- but I felt like when you visit a place where you no longer work…your friends are there, but you are no longer part of the integral workings of the day…if that makes sense…..life has gone on without you.
Don’t get me wrong…there were plenty of wonderful people who made me feel special…My 2 best friends in the world had champagne cold and ready and sang Happy Birthday to me, when I finally arrived for our weekend of fun. There were wonderful friends who met me and my family for our annual pool party – and those friends came with bottles of champagne to celebrate seeing us again…There are people who will always be willing to do anything for me at a moment’s notice, without hesitation.
And then, there are people that cancel and reschedule….or just never show up to any of the gatherings….those people I wonder about. I wonder what is important to them. I wonder if they don’t understand that China is 6500 miles away and for us, the effort of coming home to see them is immense. Or the people that you know are drifting away…you know that when you are finished having coffee or lunch or whatever you have done to “get together and catch up” and they drive away, it is probably the last time you will see that person. For one reason or another…maybe our lives have just gone in different directions, or maybe the friendship has run its course..It is interesting to me that those friendships were so fragile.
Anyway, I’m trying to get through the limbo of the 21st month. And for me, it is a limbo right now…where do I fit in? Where do I go from here? After all, there are 3 more years here, and so much to do and see…and learn. I asked a friend why more people don’t do this living in China sort of thing…and he replied, “You aren’t like most people..”
We are here for a reason. I think a good one. I just have to find my way and be strong enough to move forward. 
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